the chicken goes: you friggin’ liar
Ha. Talk on monday? Joke’s on me! No school on monday. But I talked to some of our friends and they seem to agree that I shouldn’t mention it because it might go nowhere and I’d be worrying our other friend for no reason. Still feeling like I’m betraying somebody though, it’s a constant nagging in my head and I just can’t think straight.
While I’m more of a ”thoughts” person right now I’m just acting on impulse which is not something I’m used to. And because I’m a very foolish person I can’t say no which is why I made the horrid choice to go study with him. It’s not a date. We talked. I told him I wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to get to know me better. I still want to be just friends. But in the back of my mind all I keep hearing is: "She’s going to find out. You’re going to hurt her. Is a moment of narcissistic satisfaction worth you losing a friend or two along the way?" I don’t have a reply. I’m torn between the attention and the fact that I know I can’t be doing this. After Tuesday I will keep my distance.
I keep talking to other people about it and everybody has something different to say. Most of it is: "Didn’t know you knew him." Yeah well, hell, I didn’t. Or, "He likes you." Fuck. And the best one thus far? "He’s obsessed and clingy. You need to put an end to this now." Don’t think so for the first two….need to do the third one. I’m a real coward though, I’m sure the chicken could do a better job than I could at putting an end to something like this.
Everytime I think about it more it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of something. Maybe trying to justify my actions, my thoughts. "He reminds me of my best friend." "We have some stuff in common, we could be friends."
In all honesty, I do want a boyfriend. Just not somebody who’d be the result of a situation like this. Oddly enough, I want to date somebody I could consider to be a best friend, who I don’t have to worry with, who will tell me when I’m wrong, who will support me, who I can just be myself with you know? The person who I won’t have to put a mask on for, figuratively and literally. But I don’t want to hurt anybody in the process.
Sometimes it feels like I’m talking as if something was going to happen. If push came to shove though, I know where I’d stand…and it wouldn’t be next to him.
PS. I did end up talking on the phone with him. More piano playing. Everything aside, kid’s got some serious talent! I love, love, love music. It was probably what kept me sane during the rest of the conversation…