can’t live for tomorrow, tomorrow’s much too long

Today by Smashing Pumpkins played in the background for a long time. It was a damn good day. You know, I’ve been told time and time again that I need to enjoy life. Lately, though, I’ve been doing just that and hot damn do I find myself smiling more and more. My hellos to people come out naturally, as do my smiles. I am falling in love with life. At 21 years of age I can honestly say that. I’m in a good spot. Sure I will face troubles and all kinds of hardships but you know what? It’s all one day at a time.

Today he and I didn’t talk much, when we did I treated him as I would any of my other friends. I’m pretty damn proud of myself. No weird feelings. I feel strong. I am strong. I am beautiful inside and out (most of the time inside, haha). After all, I am human. Mistakes are acceptable. I don’t have to worry about letting anybody down but me. Even then I won’t be hard on myself. I’ll just pick myself up and dust myself off. If there ever comes a time when I can’t though I won’t hesitate to ask, even scream, for help. I’ll be a better me tomorrow. And it will be because of me. 

If anybody feels even the slightest bit down reach out to somebody, anybody. Please don’t stop reaching out.

three's a crowd venting writing personal positive optimistic

the chicken goes: you friggin’ liar

Ha. Talk on monday? Joke’s on me! No school on monday. But I talked to some of our friends and they seem to agree that I shouldn’t mention it because it might go nowhere and I’d be worrying our other friend for no reason. Still feeling like I’m betraying somebody though, it’s a constant nagging in my head and I just can’t think straight.

While I’m more of a ”thoughts” person right now I’m just acting on impulse which is not something I’m used to. And because I’m a very foolish person I can’t say no which is why I made the horrid choice to go study with him. It’s not a date. We talked. I told him I wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to get to know me better. I still want to be just friends. But in the back of my mind all I keep hearing is: "She’s going to find out. You’re going to hurt her. Is a moment of narcissistic satisfaction worth you losing a friend or two along the way?" I don’t have a reply. I’m torn between the attention and the fact that I know I can’t be doing this. After Tuesday I will keep my distance. 

I keep talking to other people about it and everybody has something different to say. Most of it is: "Didn’t know you knew him." Yeah well, hell, I didn’t. Or, "He likes you."  Fuck. And the best one thus far? "He’s obsessed and clingy. You need to put an end to this now." Don’t think so for the first two….need to do the third one. I’m a real coward though, I’m sure the chicken could do a better job than I could at putting an end to something like this. 

Everytime I think about it more it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of something. Maybe trying to justify my actions, my thoughts. "He reminds me of my best friend." "We have some stuff in common, we could be friends." 

In all honesty, I do want a boyfriend. Just not somebody who’d be the result of a situation like this. Oddly enough, I want to date somebody I could consider to be a best friend, who I don’t have to worry with, who will tell me when I’m wrong, who will support me, who I can just be myself with you know? The person who I won’t have to put a mask on for, figuratively and literally. But I don’t want to hurt anybody in the process.

Sometimes it feels like I’m talking as if something was going to happen. If push came to shove though, I know where I’d stand…and it wouldn’t be next to him.

PS. I did end up talking on the phone with him. More piano playing. Everything aside, kid’s got some serious talent! I love, love, love music. It was probably what kept me sane during the rest of the conversation…

stuck in the bermuda triangle venting writing personal three's a crowd

stuck in the bermuda triangle

I really want to scream. It has been a really, really, really long time since somebody has tried to get to know me like this. That they send me messages constantly, they want to ask about me: what I like, what I don’t like, music, hobbies. And I like it dammit, but I don’t like him. He’s a friend of a friend….that friend has a crush on him and now he has a crush on me? Somebody tell me I’m crazy. It’s probably true. Delirium sets in. Maybe I’m just trying to see shadows in the dark. 

He makes it easy for awkward me to reply…He sent a clip of him playing the piano with one of my favorite video game songs. Legend of Zelda: Lost Woods. He hit the nail on the head….I really like Lost Woods. I need to draw a line with myself. We’re friends. FRIENDS. FRIENDS. I barely know him…hadn’t even considered him, at all. How could I? We had met no more than 3 times…

I’m going to talk to my friend on Monday. If I don’t tell her I’m going to feel worse about the situation. For 2 semesters now she’s had a crush on this guy. Slowly but surely she’s made herself known as a friend. She’s precious, sweet, caring, not a mean bone in her body and I want to be frank with her. No misunderstandings here.

The worst part? Everybody thinks that I like one of our other friends. And sure, I had said I liked him, but honestly I don’t feel that way anymore. He’s wonderful, but I didn’t understand that I didn’t have romantic feelings for him, it was just a strong bond over video games which turned into a really wonderful friendship. Also that I had gotten it into my head that I wanted to like somebody… If I tell them that’s not the case now, will they look at me differently? Sounds rather convenient that all of the sudden I’m over him now that somebody else has waltzed straight into the picture. 

I’m supposed to call him. He said he wanted me to listen to something. I don’t think I should.

perosnal writing venting three's a crowd